Over this holiday season, you may be spending more time with family or talking to your family a little more than normal.  In that communication, there may be some conflict. Sometimes you may not agree or you may get on each other’s nerves or old issues may come into the present. Whatever the case, I want to help you handle this conflict in a way that does not ruin your relationship.  Let’s discuss my top 3 tips to help you handle issues with the ones you care about in a way that keeps your relationship intact.

What do you do whenever you are having issues with your sibling, an argument with your friend, or a disagreement with your parents? How do you handle that conflict?  In today’s society far too often we are ready to cut people off at the sign of conflict. We have adopted an attitude that makes it very easy to leave relationships and “keep it moving.”  But what happens when you don’t want to cut that person off?? How do you rectify the situation?

Through my work, I’ve learned that many of us were not taught how to have healthy disagreements, how to move forward, and how to resolve problems. To make matters worse we live in the age of…the clap back.  Well, clapping back to your sister or mother may lead to bigger problems.

We are human. For some reason, many people believe that you aren’t supposed to argue or disagree or have issues with your friends or family and if you do then it’s a sign that you need to end that relationship. That’s not it.  We are human and it’s not realistic to believe that we will always get along.

So, the question isn’t if you’ll ever have a conflict with those you care about.  The question is how will you react?  How will you respond?  Ask yourself. How many times have you gotten into a disagreement with someone and later thought to yourself: “Dang, I wish I hadn’t said that!  Or man, that was below the belt.” There is a way to disagree that leads to resolutions.

Let’s talk about how to respond during conflict so that you don’t lose those important relationships.

Don’t Take It Personal

The first thing to remember when arguing fair is to not take it personal. This is one of The Four Agreements (Don Miguel Ruiz) and it is a critical key to not becoming offended by others.  Don’t take it personal.  What does that look like during a disagreement?  Well, let me go straight to the book The Four Agreements and tell you what it says about this notion. It says “Nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves.  Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.  What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from the programming they received during their lifetime.”  Basically, what he is saying is that when people say things, it is a reflection of THEIR internal beliefs, not a reflection of you.  So, don’t take it personal.  See, when we take things personal, we get mad, we get mean, and we try to get even.  We don’t take the Michelle Obama approach and go high.  Oh no!  When we are offended we must hit below the belt.  We say things that we KNOW will hurt and have an impact.  And those types of things can end a relationship and ruin a friendship.  When someone says something that offends you, instead of responding, remind yourself not to take it personally and set your boundary.  Either end the conversation, redirect them or express to them how their words made you feel.  Go high and don’t take it personal.

Say What You Mean

The next tip is to say what you mean.  Clarity is key.  Too often we respond with emotions and not with the words we need to actually express what we are trying to say.  Think about it.  You’re arguing with your sibling or parent or friend and you’re going back and forth so fast that you don’t even have time to think.  You’re just responding.  And in those responses, you’re just vomiting words that you haven’t taken the time to determine if they are the words you really should say.  This is when we have those feelings of “dang, I shouldn’t have said that” later on when we think back.  Now, in therapy, I’ve heard people say, “I just get so angry and I can’t control what I say.”  And to that, I say “be slow to speak.”  That means that you may have to be quiet for a while.  You may have to take a break.  You may have to write out your thoughts.  You may have to table a discussion so that you don’t say the wrong thing.  And the wrong thing is something that you don’t really mean.  Mean what you say and say what you mean.  Take time to process before responding.  Be clear on what they are saying before you respond.  When you say things you don’t mean, damage occurs because words can’t be taken back after they are said. I’d rather you be slow to respond than to have to apologize later for something you said.  I always encourage people when they have something tough to talk about, to write down their thoughts or make notes before the conversation.  This way, they say what they truly mean instead of blurting out things in the heat of the moment.  Now, this tip requires you to have self-control.  It requires you to put your ego aside and be slow to respond even when someone else is popping off at the mouth with you.  Take your time, because at the end of the day I want you to have peace.  I want you to look back and be proud of how you handled yourself.  So, say what you mean, and please, try to say it in a respectful way.  It doesn’t just matter what you say, but it also matters how you say it.

You’re Wrong…And That’s Ok!

My last tip is to be ok with being wrong.  Now this one is touuuuggghhh!  I know you would rather die (not literally) than admit that you’re wrong.  But we are going to work on growth and being better.  Being able to say, “You’re right, I’m wrong”, is growth, honey!  Sometimes arguments happen because we are being stubborn.  Someone makes a good point, and instead of saying so, you have to come up with a better point or tell them why their point is flawed.  It’s ok.  You can be wrong.  We are human.  We don’t know everything.  Being wrong will occur in life.  It won’t kill you.  Put your pride to the side and say, “You’re right.”  This is one, especially for my married folks or dating folks.  Please, become ok with saying you’re wrong and they’re right.  This can end a fight.  This can shift a conversation.  And it doesn’t make you less of a person.  It actually shows maturity and confidence.  There is nothing more confident than a person who knows how to bow out gracefully.  And listen, please do this so your children will learn that it’s ok to admit they are wrong.  We are the example.  If you got into an argument a while ago, it’s not too late to go and say to that person, “hey, I thought about it and you were right.”  Don’t be too high-strung to say “I’m sorry. Can we talk?”  When you can do these things you are a communication pro!  We don’t get it right 100% of the time.  Admit that. Own up to that.  It could save your relationship.

Those are my top 3 tips for handling conflict with people you care about.  And you can apply this to people you don’t care about either.  Use them as practice.  I believe that you all are emotionally intelligent people.  We can have disagreements without being rude, degrading, or mean to one another.  There is a better way.