False Evidence Appearing Real.  That’s what I remember being told about fear as a child.  Even though we’ve been told over and over that this emotion of fear isn’t a real thing it sure feels real at the moment.  The anxiety that comes over your body feels real.  The sweating, shaking, stomach-churning, and dizziness sure do feel real.  So how can something that’s considered “false” cause so many real issues? 

Most of us are afraid of something.  I remember as a kid watching the movie Child’s Play when it first came out and being absolutely terrified of my dolls and to get out of my bed at night for months (thanks mom and dad).  That event caused me to develop some thoughts that lead to me being afraid.  Now that example seems pretty cut and dry.  But what about the fear you have of presenting at work?  Or the fear you have of quitting your job?  Or the fear you have of ending that unhealthy friendship or relationship?  Or what about the fear of trying something totally new?  Where do those fears come from?  Well often times we have no idea until:

1.      We talk to a bomb therapist like me, lol.

Or

2.      We take the time to become very aware of our thoughts and find the root cause. 

Everyone’s got their something.  Everyone.  I know social media will have you thinking that most people are perfect and you’re the only one struggling, but trust me, that ain’t it.  Everyone has their something, and I’m seeing for a lot of women, especially women who have high goals for themselves, fear is a big issue.  The fear of not looking perfect.  The fear of making a mistake.  The fear of not meeting your timeline.  The fear of not being married by 30.  The fear of not having kids by 35.  The fear of being alone.  The fear of starting over in a new career.  The fear of “what will people think about me if they know xyz…”  We are living our lives based off of the fear of looking a certain way in other people’s eyes.  That fear may be what’s keeping you from being your best self, living your best life, and achieving the dreams that no one else knows you have. 

Far too often we let fear win.  We let fear lead our actions.  We let fear control our emotions.  We let fear bully us around.  And I don’t think many of you even realize that fear is the culprit.  I often say that fear and anxiety are related.  If you have anxiety, you 9 times out of 10 have a fear.  It’s like fear is the parent and anxiety is the child.  Fear births anxiety.  In therapy, I specialize in anxiety, fear, and worry and often times people will come to me saying they feel anxious about something and while we do address the anxiety symptoms, I also ensure we get to the root, which is the fear.  If you don’t get to the root, the symptoms more than likely will return. 

Through my work as a therapist, there are 3 main fears that I see come up over and over that prevent people from going for what they truly desire.  Let’s talk about what those fears are and how to overcome them. 

The Top 3 Fears

1. Fear of What Other’s Will Say

This is number one for a reason yall.  We live in a society where we know so much about each other without really knowing each other.  It has made us care about the opinions of people who don’t know us and who aren’t invested in us.  This care turns into comparison. The comparison turns into a competition. The competition turns into pressure. The pressure turns into anxiety, and the anxiety is rooted in fear.  Fear of what?  Fear of what other people will think if they hear that you left that fortune 500 job to follow your passion and become a teacher.  What will they think if I tell them that I really don’t want to go to college, I want to go to cosmetology school and do hair?  What will people think if they find out that my marriage isn’t working and I want to leave?  I’m afraid of what they’ll say so I’m going to stay.  What will they say if I tell them I’m starting a business even though I have no business experience?  What will they say if I do something that no one else I know has ever done?  We are afraid of something we cannot control.  No matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, no matter what decisions we make, we cannot control what other people will think about us!  You can be Mother Teresa and people will still find something negative to say about you.  You can do everything that you think people will approve of and people will find a reason not to like you.  You can even do what you’re doing because for the approval of others and they will change their mind and turn on you.  People talked about me when I was making minimum wage working in daycare and they still talked about me when I started my own business.  You can’t please people.  You can’t control people.  So don’t live for people.  You have to begin to give zero cares about what other people will think because no matter what you do someone will find fault.  For Christ’s sake, they found fought in Jesus.  JESUS!  So who do you think you are that they won’t find fault in you.  Live your life and forget with other people think.  I’m sure people thought Steve Jobs was crazy when he started Apple.  I remember people talking mad junk about Oprah when she launched the OWN network.  Yall saw how people talked about Barak Obama when he said he was running for president.  You have to care less about what other people think and do it anyway.  Thank God Steve Jobs, and Oprah and Barack Obama didn’t let the opinions of others stop them.  When this fear begins to rear its ugly head, remind yourself that your opinion is the only one that matters.  Remind yourself that they don’t have the insight that you do (because they aren't supposed to).  Remind yourself of who you are.  There’s no way that the opinions of others should matter more than your opinion.  Don’t give people that much power.  So I’m telling you now.  People will talk.  Do it anyway.  Push through this fear.

2. Fear of Not Being Perfect

Yall…can I be honest.  I struggle with this one.  I’m low key, high key, a perfectionist.  But I have learned when enough is enough and it’s time to just do it.  To just put it out there and let things be.  And this is another fear that is driven off of the perception of others.  The fear of making a mistake.  If I mess up, if I’m wrong, and if I’m not perfect, what does that mean about me?  That fear can affect your confidence.  It can have you afraid to try new things.  Afraid to try something difficult.  Afraid to push yourself outside of the box because you may not be perfect.  The need to be perfect can have you stuck in a place that’s easy for you, that’s comfortable to you, but that’s not fulfilling your purpose.  Starting over doesn’t look perfect.  Trying something new doesn’t look perfect.  Being different doesn’t look perfect.  But there is so much beauty in imperfection.  I’ve learned that I’ve had way more impact sharing my imperfections versus trying to be perfect.  Being imperfect is freeing.  Being different is worth it.  And here’s the biggest thing for you to remember: The idea of being perfect is a thought trap.  It is impossible to be perfect because we are human.  We don’t have the capacity to be perfect.  So if you are requiring yourself to be that way you are setting yourself up in a battle that’s fixed against you.  The best way to overcome those thoughts of it’s not ready yet, it’s not perfect yet, it can be better is just say “I’ve done my best, now it’s time to release it.”  Have you ever taken a test or had a project due and you sat there and sat there and sat there looking at it over and over and over and eventually you just have to say “I’ve done my best, it’s time to release it.”  Trust yourself that you’re good enough.  That your work is good enough.  That what you produced is great.  Perfection is normally a matter of preference.  What’s perfect to one person may not be perfect to another, so just do your best and release it.  Don’t sit on it, don’t put it to the side, don’t push it to the back of the mind because you’re worried it won’t be perfect.  Do your best and let it go. 

3. Fear of Failure

If I and a nickel for every time I heard the saying “failure is not an option” I’d be rich, rich.  Let me be clear…I hate this saying!  Because it’s not true.  People fail at things all the time.  Failure is an option.  It can happen.  You can lose.  It’s possible…but let me be clear again…failure is not something to fear.  It’s not a horrible thing.  Now, I understand, it doesn’t feel good to fail.  No one sets out to fail.  But failing isn’t this catastrophic thing that we can’t bounce back from.  When you’re dealing with the fear of failure, the fear of making a mistake, the fear of being wrong: here’s what I want you to ask yourself “what’s the worse that can happen.”  If I try and fail what is the worse that can happen?  If I mess up, what’s the worse that can happen?  If I’m wrong what’s the worse that can happen?  Often times the answer is that our ego will be bruised.  But the truth is that if we fail, the worse that will happen (in most cases) is that we start over.  We try again.  Now the tough part about that goes back to fear number one.  We begin to say to ourselves: what will people say about me if they know I’ve failed?  And I say SO WHAT?!  Too often we care about the criticism of people who are too afraid to even try to accomplish what we are doing.  Failure is sometimes a part of the process.  I don’t know too many highly successful people who haven’t made mistakes or experienced failures along the way.  The path to greatness isn’t through a shimmery field full of lilies.  It’s normally full of ups and downs, twists and turns and sometimes failure.  Failure is an option.  It may happen.  And if it does, it does not mean it’s the end of you.  I’m sure every basketball player who made it to the NBA finals and failed to win didn’t let that stop them from trying again.  They don’t say, “Oh well.  I failed.  That’s it.  No more basketball for me.”  No! They push even harder because failure can sometimes propel you forward.  Before Bill Gates launched Microsoft he was a Harvard drop out and he co-owned a business called Traf-O-Data that completely failed.  Despite the failure, we know that Bill is now one of the wealthiest people in the world.  Thomas Edison who we are all thankful for when we flip that light switch failed 1,000 times trying to invent the light bulb.  And of course, people called him crazy and stupid, but thank God he wasn’t afraid to keep going or we’d be sitting in the dark.  Michael Jordan is quoted as saying “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.  I’ve lost almost 300 games.  26 times, I’ve been trusted to the game-winning shot and missed.  I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed.”  Wise words from the GOAT himself.  Steven Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California 3 times due to poor grades.  They eventually awarded him an honorary degree in 1994 and he later became a trustee of the university.  Oh and he’s now worth about $3 billion.  Oprah was fired from her daily news show for being too emotional.  We all know how that ended for her.  Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for not being creative enough.  If you’ve ever been to Disney World, Disney Land, or watched the Disney Channel you know that the failure wasn’t able to stop him.  And let me make this even more personal.  I’ve failed classes that I studied very hard for in undergrad that made me wonder if I was smart enough.  I’ve been rejected from programs that I’ve applied to.  But just like all of these other amazing people in history…still, I rise!  Don’t be afraid of failure.  If you fail just keep in mind that you are apart of an elite club with some extremely successful people who have failed too...but they kept going.

So those are the top 3 fears that I see people deal with the most.  Can you relate to one or all of these?  Ask yourself, what are you afraid of?  What’s stopping you from going all out?  What is stopping you from jumping headfirst into your desire?  From being who you really want to be?  Overcoming these fears are the first steps to leading the life that you desire and deserve.  Use each day as an opportunity to push past your fears by trying your hardest and being your best.   Don’t let false evidence appearing real stop you.