How to Combat Anxiety as a Military Spouse
The life of a military spouse is one that always keeps you on your toes. The constant moving, supporting your spouse as they work long hours, finding a new job every time you move, helping your kids adjust to new environments, and surviving deployments. Sheesh! Just thinking about all of this makes me tired. If all of this weren’t enough, there are many mental and emotional transitions that military spouses go through: the loneliness of being in a new area, the sadness of being away from family, and the stress of helping the family integrate into a new environment. But, one of the most pressing issues that military spouses experience is ANXIETY. As a military spouse, there’s always this nervousness and wonder about what’s to come. Whether you’re unsure about where your family will move to next or if your spouse will be a part of that upcoming unit deployment, anxiety bubbles beneath the service for most military spouses.
The Fear of “what if…”
Recently, I saw military spouse anxiety go from bubbling under the surface to exploding like a volcano that has sat dormant. The news that Iranian Major General, Qasem Soleimani, had been killed in Iraq sent shock waves around the world and anxiety waves amongst the military spouse community. Questions and concerns began to swirl like a tornado. “What will happen now?” “Will my husband or wife deploy there?” “Is my spouse who is currently deployed in Iraq safe?” “Will they attack us?” Many people had these same questions, but it hits different when it’s your spouse who is on the front line of these situations. Over the past decade, military spouses have had to wonder about the well-being of their spouse and deal with the pressing “what if” questions in private and with their fellow military spouses. Honestly, most people don’t truly understand the worry and nervousness a military spouse feels every time their loved one gets on a plane and heads off to war. The fear can take your breath away. I know this from experience. Every time my husband leaves to go into a war zone, I kiss him and smile for the sake of our children, but inside there is a hurricane of emotions. Anxiety is one of them.
What does anxiety look like?
Anxiety can present itself in several different ways. When the news broke of a possible war with Iran, I personally had racing thoughts for days. I was full of worry. Anxiety can also manifest itself in difficulty focusing and difficulty sleeping. Irritability is a symptom of anxiety that many people are surprised by. Military spouse moms can find themselves being short and snappy with their children and not understand why. Well, it could be a result of feeling anxious and being preoccupied with these anxious thoughts, and not to mention a lack of sleep.
Because this high level of stress occurs so often for so long, it feels like the military community has normalized military spouses anxiety. But, I say it doesn’t have to be that way. Just like the members of our armed forces go to war with the enemy, military spouses go to war with the fearful and anxious thoughts that overwhelm their mind. There are things that military spouses can do on a continuous basis to help with the fear, worry, and anxiety that comes with this lifestyle that is not for the faint of heart.
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How to Combat Anxiety
1. Limit Social Media and News Outlets
There is a reason why this is number one on the list. For so many people social media and the news are triggers. Have you ever watched the news or gotten onto social media and felt worse than you did before you started? If so, these may be triggers for you. It’s important when you’re dealing with anxiety to know what sets you off, intensifies your anxious emotions, and makes you feel worse. Your trigger could be a range of things, but I know that most people check their phone when they wake up and they’re on it before they go to bed. Research shows that social media users spend two and a half hours per day on the sites. While you’re strolling, beware of false stories or people who constantly share scary or bad news. As soon as the Iran incident occurred, my timeline was full of news stories from unrecognizable news sources. Many of these stories were false and just add fuel to the anxiety fire.
If you must be in the know about what is going on, don’t get your news from social media. Go straight to a reputable news source to get the information you need. Be intentional about the amount of time you spend absorbing news and banter about topics that affect you and your family. Talk to your spouse about any concerns you have and allow them to help you decipher what is true or not. It’s critical that you take charge of what you let into your brain. Allowing all of this noise into it can cause feelings of fear to intensify and spiral into anxiety that keeps you up at night.
2. Journal
If you need something to replace social media when you wake up and before bed, try journaling. Journaling is a great way to help you gain awareness of the thoughts you may be having. The first step of overcoming anxiety is awareness. Journaling can help calm the storm of thoughts. It can help you sort what is a real concern and what is not. When dealing with anxiety, it’s all a battle in the mind. It’s essential that you rationalize your thoughts and replace the ones that are not serving you in the best way. Keeping a journal can help you notice what thoughts come up the most and what thoughts are the most pressing.
In addition to using journaling to become aware and to rationalize, you can also use it to help shift your mentality. Creating a gratitude journal is a great way to help you shift your focus from the doom and gloom of the fearful thoughts to finding time to appreciate anything and everything that is going well. Gratitude helps you stay sane when you are surrounded by a whirlwind of uncertainty. Journaling can be the catalyst that helps you gain control over your thoughts by first becoming aware of them, then acknowledging them, and finally addressing them.
3. Attend Therapy
What if you could take all your fears, worries, and anxiety, along with your journal, and give it to someone who can help you make sense of all of it? Wouldn’t that be great? Well, that is exactly what therapy can do for you. The thing that every military spouse needs to know is that you don’t have to go at it alone. There are people, like myself, who are trained to help military spouses with their anxiety. Therapy is where you go to help keep you from getting all riled up by what you see, hear, and what you’re experiencing. I say that going to therapy is like going to the spa for your brain. Where else can you go that for 50 minutes or more the sole focus is on you and what you’re dealing with? In therapy, you will have the opportunity to get it all off of your chest, but you’ll also be helped to manage your emotions and thoughts while becoming better at decreasing the occurrences of anxious thoughts daily.
Investing in therapy is investing in yourself. If you had a toothache, you’d go to a dentist to help you resolve it. If your foot hurt, you’d go to the doctor to get better. The same care needs to be taken for your mind. Military spouses deal with worries that most people can’t imagine. There is no need to take on that fear, that stress, and that anxiety by yourself. Find a therapist in whatever area you live in by visiting the many therapist search engines out there or visit my website here.
4. Relax
The opposite of anxious is relaxed. Way too often, military spouses neglect themselves, because they’re wearing so many hats. Ask yourself, “When was the last time you took time for yourself?” If the answer resembles “it’s been too long,” you need to commit to putting yourself higher on the totem pole. Relaxing can include things such as going to the spa to receive massages, manicures, and pedicures or taking a vacation by yourself or with some friends. But, not all relaxation methods have to be that elaborate. Relaxing could be simply taking a nap, carving out time to watch your favorite show, reading a good book, sitting in nature, or meditating a few minutes. These are all things you can do at home after the kids go to bed or when you get some much needed time for yourself. Commit to doing this once a week, once a month, or even once a quarter. Whatever you do, don’t neglect yourself. If you aren’t taken care of, you won’t be able to take care of or be there for others. Relaxation allows you to recharge and rejuvenate so that you can continue to handle the things that will come your way.
Don’t underestimate the importance of taking time to breath deep. Deep breathing is a technique that helps decrease the strength of anxiety when you’re experiencing it. It may sound simple, but taking deep breaths centers you, relaxes you and brings you into the present moment, which is important when dealing with anxiety.
5. Seek Support from Other Military Spouses
Sometimes, the only people who can understand how you’re feeling are people who are or who have been in your shoes. Connecting with other spouses can be a great help because it gives you the opportunity to express yourself to those who get it. They get what you’re going through. They get how you feel. They understand your fear. They know what that anxiety feels like. Having a group that you can go to with honesty and without judgement can reduce anxiety. It’s important that you choose to be around people who are like minded and who help you stay calm, not who amp your emotions up. Choose a tribe who can help you get through the tough times, who can be of support when you feel alone, and who can lend a helping hand when you are in need.
You CAN Combat Anxiety
To combat means to fight against or to take action to reduce or prevent. Anxiety is one of those things that you have to actively work on. You can’t sit still with it. Without action, anxiety can rule your life daily. Adding anxiety to the already long list of challenges that military spouses face makes surviving seem daunting. But by using the tools and actions listed above, you can work on not just surviving as a military spouse, but thriving as a calm, confident, and fearless person.
About the author…
LaShawnda McLaurin is a licensed clinical mental health counselor offering counseling and coaching services to women, exclusively online. She specialized in anxiety counseling, anxiety, fear, and worry coaching, trauma, and relationship issues. To learn more about LaShawnda’s services click here.