How to Repair a Broken Mental Foundation
How to Repair a Broken Mental Foundation
I love the saying “your past doesn’t have to define you.” It is so true, and it is such a great reminder that what you’ve gone through in the past does not have to be a reflection of who you are today. However, I do believe it is very important to realize and understand that your past can impact you. It may not define who you are, but your past can be very impactful. Many of you have been able to take the life you’ve been given and build upon it. But what you had to build upon maybe a broken foundation. This article talks about how to repair a mental foundation that may have been broken due to past experiences. I’m going to give you a few things to know and a few tips to help you repair your mental foundation. And I hope that you feel confident enough to rebuild.
A Broken Foundation
As a therapist, I am constantly helping people be better and make the best out of what they’ve been given and their current situation. And a part of that process may mean starting over because what they’ve been taught or have experienced is broken. Everything they’ve done from that point on is on shaky ground because the foundation isn’t stable. I learned the importance of a strong foundation from my grandfather. He was a carpenter. The best left-handed carpenter I know and he built houses and churches and buildings all over the Carolinas. He was amazing at it. From watching him I learned that putting up the walls is important, and getting the finishes just right is important, and shingling the roof is essential…but there is nothing more important than making sure the foundation is strong and level. If it’s not, it will cause problems throughout the entire house and compromises the integrity of the structure.
For most of us, we didn’t get to choose how our foundation was laid. It was done by our families. Our parents and everyone who helped raise up. Some of us were provided with stronger foundations than others. But honestly yall, it doesn’t take much to put a crack in our mental foundation. One traumatic experience, one bad relationship, one neglectful parent, and a crack can appear in your foundation that can do years of damage and take a lot of work to repair.
Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors
So, what does a broken or damaged foundation look like in your life? Well, it can show up in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Some of the negative thinking about yourself and others come from your foundation. Those experiences you had as a child where you didn’t receive positive affirmation. You weren’t told you were pretty. You weren’t acknowledge. You were picked on or bullied. Your parents and family may have said hurtful things about you. All of those things can put cracks in your foundation. And now you wonder why you have a hard time saying nice things about yourself. You don’t see yourself as beautiful. You think negatively about yourself and you don’t trust others. Those experiences shaped your foundation and now you are thinking in ways that make it hard for you to build your house of self-esteem. Broken foundations show up in your feelings. Depression, anxiety, fear, anger…all of these feelings and more can be a result of your foundation. Traumatic experiences can contribute to your anxiety. Depending on what it was, it may be why you go through phases of depression and anger. Toxic relationships and unhealthy parental relationships can also be why you’re angry and sad. Your parents didn’t love you the way you needed so now you are angry at times. You were in a relationship that really tore you down now you have anxiety at times. You saw some things you shouldn’t have been exposed to and it has to lead to you feeling depressed sometimes because you don’t know how to handle it. You lacked the guidance you needed so now you just feel confused and lack confidence in yourself. Your foundation can impact your behavior. How you treat yourself, how you treat others, how you behave in relationships, being a people pleaser, being aggressive, being passive, being fearful to speak up, all of these behaviors can be a result of your foundation.
This is important. Your foundation is important and your past basically built your foundation. This may sound like and it may feel like it’s a done deal. My foundation is what it is. There’s no changing it. There’s no hope. But I’d gotten a few degrees, certification, worked with enough clients, and watched enough HGTV home repair shows to know that you absolutely can repair a broken foundation. It takes a lot of mental work and determination, but it’s possible. I’ve seen people buy older houses on HGTV and everything looks great until they find a crack. And they see that this crack goes from the ceiling to the floor. They go and evaluate and learn that it’s the foundation! It needs to be repaired. They have to get the equipment and actually lift the entire house to make the repairs. It’s a daunting, time consuming, and EXPENSIVE task. But once the work is done, there are no worries about the integrity of the house. This is what you must do mentally. You have to do the work. So, let’s talk about what the work looks like.
How to Repair: Know
The first step to repairing your mental foundation is to know. Do you know that your foundation is cracked? Do you know why you behave the way you do? Do you know why you feel how you feel? Many of you are walking about having thoughts and feelings and displaying behaviors and you have no clue why you’re doing it! You have no clue that your foundation is cracked. You don’t know that what you’re currently dealing with is the result of repairs that haven’t been made over year and years. You need to know. You need to evaluate. You need to take a hard look in the mirror. Examine yourself. Inspect yourself, just like you would a house. And see where the cracks are. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. Knowledge is power. You need to be bold enough to look at yourself and say “The way I talk to myself isn’t healthy.” “The way I think isn’t working.” “My behavior, is an issue.” You have to know that you need some repair, that’s the first step.
How to Repair: Learn
Next, you need to learn. Now that you know there’s a crack, you have to learn what the problem is and learn how to fix it. This is a major part of therapy, discovering and learning. You can also do this through journaling and talking with yourself. It takes some real introspection to do it by yourself, but it’s possible. Learn how your past is impacting you. Learn what experiences are causing you to have negative thoughts and behaviors. Learn what your thoughts and behaviors are and what triggers it. You’ll also learn a new way of living. This takes us back to that quote in the very beginning. Your past doesn’t have to define you. You have to determine how you want to be. Now that the foundation is repaired, what do you want your house (you) to look like? You get to learn new behaviors and new ways of thinking. You get to learn new traditions. It is completely up to you to be who you want to be once you’ve repaired your foundation.
To learn more about fear, worry, and anxiety check out the virtual course on the topic in The Anxiety Management Boutique
How to Repair: Forgive
The next thing you have to do is to forgive. Now, I put forgiveness after learning because forgiveness can take a lot longer to get to. But if you want to make sure that crack in your foundation NEVER comes back, you have to forgive. In order to forgive you need to make a mental choice every day to forgive that person who cracked your foundation. Forgive your parents. Forgive your siblings. Forgive those classmates. Forgive that ex. Forgive yourself, because sometimes we are the ones who put cracks in our own foundation. You choose every day to forgive. Even with no apology. Even with no acknowledgement of hurt. Even with no remorse. Forgive. Because forgiveness is for you, not them. Forgiveness secures your foundation.
So the steps to repairing are the know, to learn, and to forgive. Now here are a few things you can do to help you do those three things.
Tools to Help You Repair Your Foundation
The first tool: therapy. Duh, lol. Therapy is basically having a person dedicated to helping you go step by step in checking your foundation, repairing, and rebuilding. Therapy provides you with a trained professional to help you on this journey. To learn how to work with me, click here.
The next thing you can do to help you know, learn, and forgive is to find role models. I’ve heard so many people say “I don’t know what a healthy marriage looks like. I don’t know what a healthy parent-child relationship looks like. I don’t know what confidence looks like. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.” Find someone to model your behavior after. This can be someone you know or someone you don’t know. Watch their behavior. Read their knowledge. Ask them questions if possible. Find your people, even if you don’t know them and learn how to do things by watching and learning.
Another thing you can do that goes along with role models is to increase your knowledge. Reading is fundamental. Read books on behavior. Read books on relationships. Take courses on issues you’re dealing with. Try to expand your knowledge so that you know how to repair your foundation. Read self-help books. Listen to podcasts. Take courses. All of these things can help you expand your knowledge enough to do what needs to be done.
Lastly, you need to determine what you want. The thing about repairing a foundation is that now you get to create the type of house you want. You need to be specific. Write it down. What type of person you want to be? The world is your oyster, as they say. You get to choose now what type of person you want to be. And now you can create it. It doesn’t matter that no one in your family is like that or has ever done that. You become how you want to be. Be as healthy as you want to be. Set the boundaries that you need to set. Have the dialogue you need to have. Create the life you want once your foundation is fixed. If you’d like help repairing your foundation click here to learn more about The Anxiety Management Group for Women,
So that is it, guys. I hope you’ve found this breakdown helpful. Please don’t be discouraged if your foundation is broken. Instead, tap into your strength and do the work to repair it.
LaShawnda McLaurin is a licensed clinical mental health counselor offering counseling and coaching services to women, exclusively online. She specialized in anxiety counseling, anxiety, fear, and worry coaching, trauma, and relationship issues. To learn more about LaShawnda’s services click here.