Managing the Hurt: How to Go From Hurt to Healed
The Hurt
Are you a bag lady? You know, the woman Erykah Badu so eloquently sang about. A person who has many memories and experiences that they pack on and carry around with them. Today, I hope to free you of some baggage you may be carrying around with you. Everyone goes through issues that cause them to hurt, but the struggle seems to be how do you handle being hurt and how do you eventually evolve past it. I’m going to give you a few of my top tips to help you get past some of the things you may have experienced recently or a long time ago that you are still dealing with.
I’m a therapist and I work with women every day to help them overcome things that they have gone through and to be better overall. And recently I have noticed that regardless of what we are working on, at the root, there is some hurt. For some, the hurt just occurred yesterday, but others the hurt occurred 10 years ago, and for some, the hurt occurred when they were a child. Regardless of when it happened, who did the hurting, and what the hurt entailed, the fact remains that they are still dealing with it and it impacts their daily life. Now, you may not see it because the impact may not be on the outside. There are plenty of people walking around today who appear to have it all together, who are functioning very well in society, and who are climbing up the ladder and are successful. But on the inside, there is a constant hurt and a constant replay of that pain happening every day.
Time Heals All Wounds?
Let me give you a physical example of what that looks like. About 2+ years ago I got up in the middle the night to go to the bathroom and while walking in the dark I stumped my toe. And oh my God, did it hurt! Now I’ve stumped my toe plenty of times before, but this time it really hurt. There was swelling and the pain lasted for days! It was so bad that I went to the doctor, had an x-ray done and everything. Eventually, after a few weeks, it got better, and the pain completely went away. Or so I thought. Just a couple of days ago while walking in the kitchen I rammed that same toe into a stool and the pain made me scream! It swelled up again and I was right back where I was a couple of years ago. Hurting. This is a physical example of what happens to many people emotionally and mentally. Something happens that rocks you to your core. And just as you think you’re “over it”, something triggers you and the pain and hurt are back like never before. Sometimes, that hurt is worse than the original hurt. And then you have to start the healing process over again.
With my toe experience, I did something that many people do, which is believe that letting time pass will result in healing. Let me clear up this mental health lie. Time does not heal all wounds! Letting time go by may make you feel better, but unless you are actively working on your healing, time will not heal those emotional and mental wounds. Healing in the emotional sense is an action word. It is not passive. It is not sitting and waiting for time to pass by. Healing from hurt requires you to do some things, to stop doing some things, and to change some things. It requires work.
The Healing
So, let’s talk about some of the work that you can do to help you manage your hurt and hopefully, eventually, release the hurts.
Stop Wondering Why
Do yourself a favor and get off the “why” cycle. Many of you fall into the trap of constantly questioning why what happened, happened to you. You rack your brain questioning yourself, questioning God, asking anyone who will listen… “why did this happen to me?” Sometimes the why isn’t about what happened, but it’s in reference to who did the hurting. “Why did THEY hurt me?” This occurs especially when the person who did the hurting is someone close to you or someone you love. You spend your time wondering “what did I do wrong?” “Why did they hurt me?” The truth is, obsessing over this why is a waste of energy. You may find out why or you may not. If you find out, that’s wonderful. But I don’t want your healing to get held up because you never got the answer to why. Jump off that hamster wheel. Free your mind and step past asking why. Why me? Why them? Why now? It can keep you up at night and it can be one of those things that every time you ask, and you don’t get your answer you feel hurt all over again. Instead of asking why did this happen, ask how, ask what. How do I get past this? How do I grow from this? What did I learn from this? What do I do now? How do I prevent this from happening again? These are the questions you should be asking yourself. Let go of "why” and start asking more productive questions. To learn more about dealing with "why” and other worries, visit The Anxiety Management Boutique for courses to help you manage your fear, worry, and anxiety.
Don’t Take It Personal
This is something I want you to apply in all areas of your life. This is a life lesson, not just for handling hurt. The sooner you understand that when people do hurtful things it’s about them, and not you, the sooner you can heal from it. Their behavior, their anger, their rudeness, their cheating, their hurtful words, their neglect…none of it was about you! It was about them and THEIR issues. Too many of you are walking around hurt thinking that because someone did you wrong that you’re the one with the issue when the truth is that you are not the problem. There are too many wives feeling insecure thinking they are the issue because their husband is mistreating them. Honey, it’s not you, he has problems and if he doesn’t solve them, this will happen again. There are too many adult children feeling like they aren’t enough because of the way their parents treated them. It’s not you! If you knew all the stuff your momma went through when she was growing up, you’d understand why she treated you the way she did. It’s not you! It’s them! So, don’t take it personally. I know that is hard to do, but for your sanity, you have to understand this. When you meet people whom you don’t know and they are rude or mean, know it has nothing to do with you, it’s all about them and what they are dealing with. Now, this isn’t to say that you’re perfect or that you’ve never done anything wrong, but it’s time to stop blaming yourself for other people’s bad behavior. You can acknowledge your faults without being at fault for all the hurts. Think about it, how many times have you snapped at your kids and felt bad later because it wasn’t their fault? You were just tired. That snap was about you, not them. Yeah, they were running around, making noise, but your reaction was your fault, not theirs. It would be a shame if your kids thought that they were the issue when the truth is it was you. So, remember that when someone hurts you, it’s not personal.
Utilize Empathy
This is not about feeling sorry for someone. This is about realizing that everyone has issues. This is about understanding that everyone has a history, everyone has a story, and everyone has a reason why they are the way they are. When someone hurts you, it can be beneficial for you to remind yourself that this person has a background. I especially like to remind this to people who have been hurt by their parents or family members. If your father wasn’t there for you and you’re dealing with the hurt, sometimes it can help you make the emotional shift when you consider your father’s story. Maybe his father wasn’t there. Maybe he had some other issues as a child. It’s not about making excuses for them, or even feeling sorry for them, it’s about understanding that sometimes people do things because they haven’t done their work to handle the cards they were dealt. Hurt people, hurt people. Understanding this can bring a lot of clarity in some situations and it can help you go from wondering why and thinking that you’re the problem to say “Oh…now I see why they act the fool! Ok, now that makes sense. I understand.” That doesn’t mean you will continue to let them mistreat you. That doesn’t mean you’ll continue to be their friend. It simply means you understand that they need some work. Empathy can take you a long way in the healing process.
Let Go of The Victim Mentality
Listen, I know what you went through truly hurt you. It almost broke you. But the truth is, you’re still here. You are still growing every day. You are still making it. In spite of what happened to you, how they hurt you, you are still here! You may have been victimized, but you no longer have to be the victim. You have to remind yourself daily who you are. You are not what you’ve been through. Don’t let that define you. That was just your circumstance, but it’s not who you are. Tell yourself every day who you are and who’s you are. You’re not a victim. You’re resilient. You’re strong. You’re an overcomer. You’re a survivor. You’re better. Remember who you are! Some of you have been thinking about what happened to you and how it hurt you so much that you have adopted that as the story of your life. That’s your narrative. It’s time to rewrite the story. That hurt was a moment in time. Yes, it was painful, but it will not be what determines how you live the rest of your life. Don’t let that hurt turn you into a person you are not. Don’t let that hurt make you insecure. Don’t let it make you doubt your greatness. You are not a victim anymore. You are healing.
LaShawnda McLaurin is a licensed clinical mental health counselor offering counseling and coaching services to women, exclusively online. She specialized in anxiety counseling, anxiety, fear, and worry coaching, trauma, and relationship issues. To learn more about LaShawnda’s services click here.